All in all the last few years have been really good for me, and I'm still going out regularly.
Sometimes with my wife on girls outings - in the past few years we've gone to most of the factory outlets in driving range, to New Hope a few times, to the Atlantic City casino's, to NYC and a circle line cruise around Manhattan, to various parties with other local girls and their SO's, and most recently spent an exceptional weekend in Center City Philadelphia doing everything from shopping the South Street area and the Gallery Mall to drinks and dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe - with more dining and shopping at the Arts and Crafts show in New Hope on the way home.
The local girls in my area seem to have mostly disappeared these days and mostly I'm going out alone.
Anyway, life's good at the moment, better than I ever would dreamed of just a few years ago. I'm comfortable being me, have a lot of good friends (who I don't see enough of), and find myself more in love than I've ever been!
After almost 5 years I've pretty much burned out on the TG crowd scene - the clubs are always too late to open, I hate the drag shows that seem to be a mainstay of most of the TG places, and getting hit on by other T girls and admirers who don't understand the word 'no' gets old after awhile.
Sometimes I just stay out in the mainstream, and sometimes I'll meet a group of girls at private parties, but usually I go to a mixed crowd bar with pool table, a 'Cheers' type place where everybody knows my name. T girls are always welcome but seldom frequent.... but sometimes a friend or two shows up, which is nice.
By the age of 13 I was fairly accomplished with makeup,and when my family was out I would put on makeup, an androgynous sweater, and a 'wiglet' of my sister's which was popular at the time. I would sit in the front window of the house facing a busy street, and look out at the people in their cars waiting for the traffic light, ducking down when anybody walked by.
In my late teens, some exciting things happened. I bought a car and began driving, and I let my hair grow long, a common phenomenom in the late 60's. I let my nails grow as long as I could without being too obvious, and I was very skinny at the time. I started going out, dressing and putting on makeup and nail polish in my car. Usually I'd wear girls dress slacks, sweater, and medium heel shoes .... my own hair was almost to my waist, and sometimes I'd pierce my ears (with a safety pin) and put in gold hoops.
I'd drive around, going in department stores and the mall, and sometimes the boardwalk at Asbury Park at night. Sometimes I'd stay out dressed for days at a time.
I was scared to death of getting caught, using a ladies room or by someone I knew. I never talked to anyone because of my voice, but as far as I know I always passed. This went on thru my early twenties, exciting but very lonely - I thought I was the only one like me.
No one, family, friends, or girlfriends (I was very heterosexually active) knew anything, and there were always the inevitable purges and depression in between.
I fell very much in love and got married.
For awhile I forgot about my crossdressing, and figured maybe it would go away
now that I was settled down. But of course it didn't. I tried approaching
my wife with the subject, told her it was something I had done in the past
and enjoyed, and her response was not at all pretty, and usually included words like 'disgusting' and 'perverted'. For quite awhile I suppressed
my desires, remaining miserable, but that couldn't last, so I began discreetly dressing again,
though not in public.
Finally, though, the desire to get out as a girl
became overwhelming, and I dressed up in clothes that were thrown together, put on makeup
and a wig I had bought, and went out for the night, just driving around and took a quick walk thru a mall. Coming home late, my wife was waiting up and discovered me with some makeup still on,etc. It
was a disaster, my marriage was at stake, and I had a child on the way, I was told unequivocally to 'stop or I'll leave you' - so I agreed to stop.
Then came the Internet!
I was astounded to find the number
of crossdressers out there with backgrounds amazingly similar to mine.
And the more others I talked to, the more I realized that I would never
be able to stop dressing.
For about 12 years I stopped completely, grew a beard, got fat, and stayed miserable.
About 5 years ago I started meeting other local girls, and going out again on a regular basis. The details of the first year out are in my journal
My wife, who I have always loved dearly, had known nothing of this.
I had never felt I could reapproach the issue with her because of her previous vehemently stated opinions on the subject, so in order to survive I went underground. And for about 3 years I had been dreading the day the shit would hit the fan, knowing in my heart that I would not be able to live 2 lives and remain undiscovered forever.
But I had spent too many miserable years and could not go back to that.
In October 2000, the shit did hit the fan for me! After a weekend trip away, I inadvertently left information about where I had stayed in my wallet where it could be found - and it was.
Everything came out at once, it was a mess!!! ... and my poor wife, who had no idea, could as easily have landed on Mars, it would have been as familiar of a situation to find herself in as the reality was. After the dust settled a little, we started trying to work things out.
Therapy was a start.... I called up an made an appointment with a local therapist specializing in transgender issues, and we went in to see her together for counseling. It started out fairly well, and my wife became quickly immersed in all things transgender, and had someone to talk to about it all. A big point of contention was that I wouldn't give my wife my website address until she had met Suzi, and on New Years Eve I rented a room locally and got ready, and she came and got me for a night out ..... she came in the room, and without saying a word, walked around me, looking, then came over, looked closely at my face, and said 'you did good' ... was I relieved! We then left and drove to an Alternative club where we had dinner reservations, and were meeting a friend and the SO.
The night went fairly well, both SO's hit it off, and another hurdle was passed.
Shortly thereafter, I took my wife for a tour of my website .... she went thru it page by page and listed a few pics she wanted removed.
A few months later I found myself out of work, the therapist visits ended, and we started the long process of working it out ourself.
Though it's been a rollercoaster, my wife has been extraordinary in trying to accept it all.
I've gotten my ears pierced, she's met some of my friends, and become good friends with some of their S.O's.
And while there will always be ongoing issues (aren't there always in a good marriage, whether TG or something else?), they seem to be smaller lately.